Life Sentence

Before being farmed out for more experience, Bob Wiesler made quite an impression in the Yankee training camp. Wiesler's big problem appeared to be control. He just couldn't put the ball over.

"What would happen," wondered a reporter, "if he were roomed with Tommy Byrne, the wild man of the Yankee staff?"

"Neither of them would be able to get into the room," somebody said. "They wouldn't be able to find the keyhole."

Hair-Raising Order

Bobby Bragan, Braves manager, takes every defeat to heart. Once, when his team was in the middle of a losing streak, he walked into his favorite barbershop, where he received a gushy welcome from his barber, who then asked, "How will you have your haircut, Mr. Bragan?"

"In deep silence, please," snapped Bobby.

Godzilla Haiku

Out at Home, Safety First

Here's 2 because I missed yesterday -

Out at Home

Colorful Larry McLean used to catch for the Giants. Once, with a man on second, the batter shot a single to right on which the runner tried to score. He made a desperate slide, raising a cloud of dust. McLean was bowled over and the ball knocked out of his hand. The runner, however, missed the plate.

McLean scrambled after the ball, picked it up, and turned to make the tag. Alas, the dust was so thick that he couldn't distinguish the runner from the umpire. All he could see were four feet. He tagged each foot as fast as he could.

"I don't know which of youse is which," he exclaimed, "but one of youse is out!"

Safety First

Trailing Philadelphia by a run in the eighth inning, Detroit put the first two men on base and then elected to bunt. Ferris Fain, the daring Athletic first sacker, plunged in, grabbed the bunt, and threw to third. His throw eluded Pete Suder and the runner scored the tying run standing up.

"Darn it, Ferris!" sputtered Connie Mack when the A's came back to the bench. "I don't want you ever to try that play again!"

Most of Mack's employees would have sat down and sulked. Not the high-spirited Fain. "What did you want me to do with the ball?" he bellowed. "Eat it!"

"Well, by golly!" Mack yelled right back. "It'd be a whole lot safer in your mouth!"

Safe at Home

Some years ago, when Joe Medwick was in his prime with the St. Louis Cardinals, he toured Europe with a group of entertainers. Upon reaching Rome, the troupe was granted an audience with Pope Pius. His Holiness politely asked each the nature of his business.

"I'm a comedian," answered one.

"I'm a singer," replied another.

Then came Medwick's turn. With simple dignity he said, "Your Holiness, I'm a Cardinal."

Anthony Witrado of the Journal-Sentinel asked Fielder if the celebration was worth the ball in the back.

"Hell yeah," Fielder said. "That's something I did with me and my teammates. It has nothing to do with them."

"You're damn right it was worth it."

Courtesy of NBC Sports

Grist for the Miller

In the heyday of the Yankees' Murderers Row, Koenig once led off an inning with a triple. Lazzeri scored him with a line double. Then Ruth and Gehrig smote terrific homers. That brought up Dugan, who shortened up and laid down a perfect bunt single. Manager Miller Huggins came storming out of the dugout. "Idiot!" he bellowed, "I ought to fine you a hundred bucks for breaking up a rally!"

Seems similar to what it would be like playing under Dusty Baker.

Subversion

Just as it has always been with Williams and Musical, the players always crowed around the batting cage when Willie Mays steps in to take his practice licks. Down in Phoenix one spring, Jose Pagan gasped as Willie blasted one ball after another out of sight.

Finally, Jose shook his head. "The Constitution of the United States just has to be wrong," he muttered.

"What do you mean?" asked Coach Whitey Lockman.

"Well," the light-hitting shortstop snapped, "doesn't it say that all men are created equal?"

Braves to the End

When Dick Culler was with the Braves he seldom saw any action. Sibby Sisti was the regular shortstop. One day the Braves wee losing by a lopsided score and Manager Billy Southworth, deciding to rest Sisti, told Culler to warm up and get into the game. Then, as an afterthought, he asked one of his coaches what the score was.

"It's 9-2," his assistant informed him.

"Sit down, Dick," Southworth ordered Culler. "We ain't giving up yet."

Can't Get Him Out

One day during the 1949 season, Ewell Blackwell fanned Stan Musial on a curve that escaped catcher Dixie Howell and enabled Musical to scamper all the way to second.

Manager Bucky Walters of the Reds heaved a sigh. "That guy Musial is so good," he groaned, "that even when he fans, a team is lucky to hold him to two bases."

What's the Pitch?

The battery for the Braves Al Javery, pitching, and Phil Masi, catching. The first Pirate stepped into the batter's box - and laced the first pitch into right field for a triple. The next batter hit the right-field wall for a double.

In short order, the Pirates collected a home run, a double, a triple, a double, and another triple - each one on Javery's first pitch - that high, hard one.

Manager Stengel (this was 1943), in disgust, waved Al to the showers. Then he called Masi over and asked, "What kind of pitch was he throwin', anyway?"

"I don't know," Masi replied. "I haven't caught one yet."

Time Flies On

During the years he protected right field for the Cubs, Kiki Cuyler was famous for his throwing arm. Against the Giants one afternoon, he cut down Travis Jackson trying to score from second on a single.

As Pancho Snyder, Giants third-base coach, passed the Cubs' bench, the boys gave him the business. "How'd you like that throw, you big blubberhead?"

"He couldn't do it again in a hundred years," Pancho growled back.

A few innings later, Cuyler again cut down Jackson trying to score from second on a hit.

Thereupon one of the Cub bench jockeys thrust his head out of the dugout and yelled at Snyder, "Hey, meathead, time sure does fly, doesn't it?"

*rimshot*



Taft plays golf.

Son Dial

Dean Stone, Houston pitcher, came from the park and found his little boy talking to the young son of Pete Runnels. Stone, Jr., was telling Runnels, Jr., that his father was a boxer.

"You're crazy," retorted young Runnels, "your dad plays baseball for the Colts."

"No siree," answered Stone, Jr. "I listen to the radio and the man always says, 'There goes Stone, he's been knocked out again.'"

*rimshot*

The Shanty, Baseball Jokes

If you guys don't regularly check out The Shanty, you should. I'm gonna start making posts over there as well as here.

I borrowed "Baseball Laughs" by Herman L. Masin from Jolene this weekend and, since baseball season is almost upon us, will be copying down one joke a day until I run out. There's a bunch so I hope it lasts through the season. These are, bar none, the most insane, non-sensical collection of jokes I've ever come across, but that's not saying much.

The description on the back of the book -

Maybe you can't tell the players without a scorecard, but you can tell the funniest stories ever to come out of a horsehide. You'll find them all in this collection of screaming line drives. Everybody - fans, frogmen, and bird watchers - will get a chuckle out of this prime assortment of screwballs, knuckleheads, and dipsy-doodles.

It took me a minute to translate that, but I think what it means is that it is awesome.

Let's begin -

Have A Ball!
Basically baseball is a duel in the sun, fought with horsehides and hickory at sixty feet, six inches. It's a grim, serious business. But funny things to happen. Almost every dugout has its share of characters - odd balls with bats in their belfries - who'll often come up with line drives funnier than anything on the Bob Hope Show.

Joe's Strange Kirke

Jay Kirke was a fabulous screwball whom Joe McCarthy managed at Louisville. One afternoon Kirke muffed a signal which cost Louisville the game. McCarthy, livid with rage, told Kirke to meet him in the clubhouse after the game.

McCarthy paced the floor savagely. He waited and waited, but Kirke didn't appear. The longer Joe paced, the more furious he became. Most of the players were dressed when the door opened. There stood Kirke - and a priest.

"Come in, Father," said Jay. "I want you to meet my friends."

*rimshot*